As a young woman I followed what other young women did when it came to my relationships with men. I bought in to the belief that if I wasn’t happy it was HIS fault. HE should be more attentive, HE should be more appreciative, HE should be more attractive, HE should…and so it went on.
You see, there was one thing I understood in those days and that was confident men were great to be around. But a confident man, happy in his own skin wouldn’t dance to my tune and of course this would infuriate me!
It took significant years of maturity to fully understand where I was going wrong.
During that time I had married and had two children. Now, I would say that my first husband was a reasonably confident man. He was a Cambridge graduate and he went on to be a qualified accountant.
We were very different however and gradually over time I interpreted our differences as HIS weaknesses. And gradually over time this wore him down. He tried hard to do the right thing but the more he tried the less I respected him.
Before I go any further, I am talking specifically here, about the issue of women finding fault and putting their partners down. I am not saying that my first husband was all perfect in our relationship because he wasn’t but neither was I and if I had understood this particular issue more, the years we had together could have been happier.
This blog post however is not directed at women, it is directed at men and what they can do to change their woman’s perception of them. It would be no good what so ever if I tried to tell men to tell their women how not to behave; we only really have that power over ourselves and not others.
So, to all you decent, hard-working men who just want to be loved and to give love in return I am writing this to you:
1. Stop trying to make your woman happy when it makes you unhappy in return!
We all try to please but when pleasing starts to make us feel ‘less than’ it is time to stop and think.
It’s kind of drummed into us from when we were young. We learn that it feels horrible when the adults around us, be they our parents, other relatives or our teachers, are unhappy with us. So we try even harder to please them.
Now, sometimes this is good and we can learn from it but you know you’ve reached saturation point when it starts to hurt. At this point we are in danger of becoming less authentic; we are modifying our own beliefs in order to please others.
So if you don’t agree with something your woman says or does and it is something that matters to you then don’t pretend to be happy about it. Be honest! You do not have to get into an argument, just be honest and move on.
If your woman remains unhappy, explain that you do not want to make her feel this way, but neither do you want to make yourself unhappy. Make it clear that you understand that she is her own woman and she is free to do and think what she believes in and you are free to the same. This is one of the fundamentals of a relationship built on equality.
If your woman doesn’t want to let go of it explain that you have told her what you think and unless she genuinely wants to explore your point of view further you should both agree to disagree.
This will take some self-control but this in itself is a very attractive trait in men who feel great about themselves. It may irritate the life out of your woman but just stick to your guns. If needs be, go out for an hour to let things cool off.
2. Make connection your goal rather than validation.
Women love feeling connected. It feeds us emotionally and when our emotional needs are being met we tend to be happier, sexier and more loving individuals.
Give your woman eye contact when she is talking to you and really listen. This will take practise but start out by having one conversation a day where you actively look at your woman and listen. Show her you are listening by asking questions to clarify you have heard her correctly. Give her encouragement, appreciation and understanding.
Men sometimes shy away from this because you think your woman is looking for you to fix something when in reality all she wants is to talk and for you to listen. The mere act of talking to you will make her feel better…you will have met her needs and this will allow her to love you more.
The more connection you make with your woman the greater you will feel about yourself. You will no longer need validation; you will KNOW what a genuinely great guy you are because you will FEEL it! And the more YOU feel it, the more your woman will feel it.
3. You can be a Great Man but you can’t be Superman!
Don’t try to second-guess what your woman wants from you. Tell her that if she has something she wants you to do she should tell you because you cannot read her mind.
We women believe that we can mind-read and often use this against our men saying stuff like ‘well if you loved me you would have known I wanted you to…’. It’s complete nonsense of course and you shouldn’t give it any credence.
Make it clear to your woman that you love and adore her but in order to fully understand her needs she will have to tell you what they are. This is especially important in the early years of a relationship when you are still getting to know one another.
Gradually she will respect you for this. She will realise that she can get her needs met without sulking and giving you the ‘no, there’s nothing wrong’ treatment for several hours or days. She won’t have to make herself feel terrible before you notice something is wrong. She just has to tell you 🙂
4. Being strong doesn’t mean having to hide your feelings.
Life doesn’t always go well but often men feel they have to remain strong no matter what. To them this mistakenly translates into hiding their feelings. Eventually something has to give and this can mean a melt-down ensues which has the potential to upset everything and everyone.
Your woman will only ever see your STRENGTH if you admit to a difficulty in your life. Women understand emotion and as long as you are not unpleasant towards her she will try her best to help you. She will want to help you…it is part of her nurturing nature.
So tell her how you feel, show her your anger towards a situation or your frustration, your sadness or hurt. Don’t hide these emotions; be authentic. Just remember you can be going through a rubbish time without being a rubbish man! She will love you all the more for it.
5. Men who feel great about themselves look and smell great too!
Never underestimate the power of taking pride in your appearance. Now, when I say this let me be clear. Most women don’t like it when a man is so conscious of his appearance that he spends hours in the bathroom and can’t go passed a shop window without studying his reflection.
Women love it though when a man is confident about what he looks good in and looks good most days. We can all have those days when we are feeling a bit lazy and we doss around in elasticated waists but please have those days less from now on.
Women know that if we find our man attractive then other women will too. This keeps us on our toes and that is a good thing in a relationship. There is nothing more intoxicating than feeling secure in a loving relationship because the person you are with could be elsewhere but they CHOOSE to be with you!
So have a look in your wardrobe and smarten up your act. Wear aftershave, iron your clothes and hang them up, book an appointment to get your hair cut properly rather than putting unrealistic expectations on the local barber.
Start doing these things and they will be noticed by your woman. Reassure her that you only have eyes for her if she thinks you are having an affair. Tell her the only affair you want is the one you’ll be having tonight with her!
Become the man who feels great about himself and over time your woman will feel great about you too! You will have earned her respect by being your own man.
You will be the man she can trust to say what he genuinely believes to be the truth, a man that listens, a man that talks about his concerns, a man who connects, a man who works hard and above all a man who respects himself.
And the brilliant thing is that this could be a win-win. If your woman has confidence issues and often those individuals who gripe about their partners do, seeing the difference in you will make her want to up her game too!
So that you can remember all of these important ways to be a man who feels great about himself I have created a check-list which you can get by clicking right here!